As promised, I am back with more on self-compassion. To recap, in determining measures of emotional health, self-compassion is a healthier replacement for self-esteem, which I no longer hold in very high esteem. Self-compassion is a mindful comparison to the ego driven façade of pretending you are better than you really are. This sounds harsh as I am typing it, but I am also a product of this culture where it seems like an insult to be regarded as average or less than perfect.
Associate Professor in Human Development at the University of Texas at Austin, Kristen Neff, Ph.D. uses the following example. “Imagine that you’re an amateur singer-songwriter, and you invite your friends and family to see you perform at a nearby coffeehouse that showcases local talent. After the big night you ask everyone how they thought it went. “You were average” is the reply. How would you feel in this scenario?”
Pretty harsh, right? It’s a cultural expectation that we lie to each other about these things. “Oh my god, you were amazing!” But chances are, most people, even in a pool of musically trained people, would be average at best, and many of them would probably be pretty terrible. Some would be very talented and musically gifted, but probably not you. Is that fair? But that’s fine. You don’t have to be the best at everything you try. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try or do things that you like just because you’re not perfect at it. That’s why it’s open mic.
So why is being average so unacceptable? Obviously not everyone can be the best at something. Yet, when we are not regarded as superior, we jump to the other end of the spectrum and consider ourselves inferior. Second best might as well be last place. Self-esteem is contingent on positive outcomes and when the cultural expectations are unrealistic and we fall short, the benefits are not present. So let’s turn back to self-compassion to see how it might provide all the benefits without the judgment.
Self-compassion is composed of three overlapping parts:
1. Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment
Self-kindness treats our inadequacies with gentleness, understanding, and support instead of harsh criticism and judgment. It starts with accepting oneself as imperfect as a matter of fact. Another benefit of being self-compassionate is that when life gets rough, the person can turn inward to gain comfort rather than putting on a self-denying external shield.
2. Feelings of Connectedness vs. Isolation
The sense of connectedness is about recognizing that your feelings of inadequacy and failure are shared by everyone else in some way. Everyone is flawed, imperfect, and have weaknesses, everyone. Also, difficult life circumstances are seen as a shared human experiences instead of an isolating situation you have to deal with all by yourself.
3. Mindfulness vs. Over-identification
Mindfulness is basically a way to anchor one’s self to the present moment without getting swept up by thoughts, judgments, and emotions. When we get caught up in the story of our pain, we tend to exaggerate or obsess over negative thoughts and emotions, and it can be difficult to tell the difference between the drama and reality as it actually is. Mindfulness is a way to “see” your thoughts and emotional experiences without “becoming” them.
The following exercise, created by Dr. Kristen Neff is designed to get you to explore your own self-compassion.
How do you typically react to yourself?
What types of things do you typically judge and criticize yourself for (appearance, career, relationships, parenting, etc.)?
What type of language do you use with yourself when you notice some flaw or make a mistake (do you insult yourself, or do you take a more kind and understanding tone)?
When you are being highly self-critical, how does this make you feel inside?
When you notice something about yourself you don’t like, do you tend to feel cut off from others, or do you feel connected with your fellow humans who are also imperfect?
What are the consequences of being so hard on yourself? Does it make you more motivated and happy, or discouraged and depressed?
How do you think you would feel if you could truly love and accept yourself exactly as you are? Does this possibility scare you, give you hope, or both?
How do you typically react to life difficulties?
How do you treat yourself when you run into challenges in your life? Do you tend to ignore the fact that you’re suffering and focus exclusively on fixing the problem, or do you stop to give yourself care and comfort?
Do you tend to get carried away by the drama of the situation, so that you make a bigger deal out of it than you need to, or do you tend to keep things in balanced perspective?
Do you tend to feel cut off from others when things go wrong, with the irrational feeling that everyone else is having a better time of it than you, or do you get in touch with the fact that all humans experience hardship in their lives?
Take time to consider these questions and see how you can make adjustments to foster more kindness, connection, and mindfulness with yourself.