Remember how hard it was at the beginning of the relationship to utter these three words? These words were once so powerful that when used prematurely have led to the demise of the relationship altogether. The same demise resulted when they were not spoken at all and could have saved the relationship. Male and female confidants were often burdened with the responsibility of sages in advising their friends about when to say it or how to respond. It was once a pretty big deal.
But once this threshold was breached in the relationship there were no restrictions on when or how often to say it. The floodgates opened up and “I love you’s” were shouted from the rooftops. That was a good time. When you could freely say those words and have them repeated back to you confirming that you are indeed loved, wanted, needed. Someone could punch you square in the mouth and the swollen lip that would ensue could not diminish the beaming smile plastered upon your lovestruck face.
Now fast forward through the relationship a few years. Maybe you’ve moved in together, gotten married, had a baby. You’ve probably survived some pretty serious fights, maybe a breakup or two. At this point the “I love you’s” have been toned down. You still say it, but it’s usually on the way out the door on your way to work with a cursory peck or before hanging up the phone. It’s nice, but it’s lost the intensity and thrill it once had. Perhaps at this point you are secure in the relationship and don’t need the reassurance as often. Maybe you take it for granted.
For some couples, unfortunately it can get to the point where it isn’t said at all. If this is you, couples therapy might be in order, and the following suggestion may be out of reach. But for those of you who are still saying those three words to each other in a routine kind of way, I want you to try something. Instead of saying “I love you” as a goodbye, say it as a hello. I’m not asking you to say it more often, just at the other end of the conversation. How might this change the tone of your time together, (especially if your conversations start with criticisms or complaints)? Perhaps saying it as a goodbye is a way of taking that sentiment, however routine, with you throughout your day. But is your relationship being affected by your time apart or your time together? Chances are, you don’t even remember the “goodbye I love you.” But I’ll be willing to bet that if you were to begin your conversations with a “hello I love you,” your intentions and commitment to one another will be unearthed from the stagnation of routine.
Now as you are considering this little experiment, you may be feeling some resistance to the idea. Let’s examine this for a minute. Your defenses are rising up aren’t they? What is this fear in response to? Assuming you actually do love the person you are with, it’s not that it isn’t true, right? Would saying these words outside their established routine make you feel vulnerable? Hmm . . . like it did before you said it for the first time?
The American author, educator, and clergyman, Henry Van Dyke once said, “As long as habit and routine dictate the pattern of living, new dimensions of the soul cannot emerge.” The key to breathing life into a “good enough” relationship or marriage, is to identify the routines that have made them ordinary. Sometimes small changes to those routines can make for extraordinary improvements.