The most persistent voice in your life might not even be yours.
At 40, I had a sobering realization—I'd spent half my life surrendering to a critical inner voice that was never truly mine to begin with.
Each morning began the same way:
"You're behind."
"Work harder."
"Not enough."
I thought success meant winning that internal battle through meditation, affirmations, and sheer will.
That voice wasn't even mine. It was stitched together over decades—from school, society, and old survival patterns.
When Reframing Reaches Its Limits
Reframing helped, sometimes:
"Maybe I'm tired because I gave my all yesterday."
"This pressure means I care."
It softened the edges—like switching on a warm light in a cold room.
But during a season of career uncertainty, I tried to reframe everything:
"There's an opportunity here."
"The universe has a plan."
"I just need to stay positive."
Yet the thoughts kept circling.
Reframing became exhausting—like standing in a downpour with an umbrella, somehow expecting it to silence the thunder.
Eventually I learned: You can't reframe the storm while standing in the downpour—first, feel the rain.
The Shift: From Reframing to Defusion
Sometimes, "thinking differently" isn't enough. That's where defusion—an ACT technique—helped me shift my relationship with my thoughts entirely.
Let's break it down:
Thought: "This is a failure"
Reframe: "Maybe this is a lesson."
Defusion: "I'm noticing the thought that this is a failure."
Thought: "I'm falling behind"
Reframe: "No, I'm making steady progress."
Defusion: "There's that 'I'm falling behind' story again."
Thought: "I'll never get through this"
Reframe: "I've overcome hard things before."
Defusion: "I'm having the thought that I'll never get through this."
This tiny change opens space—and freedom.
Your mind tells stories—but not every story deserves your belief.
Backed by research, this Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) approach helps people manage difficult thoughts without being controlled by them. A meta-analysis by Levin and colleagues (2012) found significant positive effects across all core ACT processes—including cognitive defusion.
The Day Everything Changed
One night, I returned to a passage in The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer:
"Have you ever noticed that persistent voice inside you?"
I was shocked that this voice had been with me throughout my whole life but I had never truly noticed it.
The next morning, when the voice called me lazy and pushed me to constantly improve just to "get somewhere," I simply observed it.
The voice was still there—backseat driving, offering commentary on everything. But now I knew: I'm the one holding the wheel.
That shift transformed everything. I still hear the voice. But I no longer follow its route.
That mental freedom let me choose—freely, not reactively.
The voice stayed—but softened. Like background music, it plays on, but I no longer dance to it.
A Practice That Creates Freedom
This simple three-step practice has become my daily anchor, and something I now explore with executive clients:
1. Notice
Pause and name what your mind is saying.
"I'm having the thought that I'm not doing enough."
"There's that anxious voice again."
This alone creates distance.
2. Accept
Acknowledge the emotion beneath the thought without resistance.
"This feels hard."
"I don't like feeling this way—but I can be with it."
Acceptance isn't surrender. It's showing up fully to what's here.
3. Choose
Ask: "What would be kind or helpful right now?"
Not what's most productive, but what helps me move forward to the person I want to be.
It doesn't have to be big or structured. It could be:
- Sending one overdue email
- Taking a walk without phones
- Simply breathing and noticing the sky
Tiny choices. Real freedom.
The Storm Is Still the Storm
Imagine planning a picnic—and it rains. Rain on your face, wet shoes.
You could say:
"This ruins everything."
Or simply:
"It's raining."
Here's the insight:
You can't reframe a storm while still fighting against it. You can only accept its reality first.
You can't reframe burnout while pretending you're not overwhelmed.
You can't reframe anxiety while ignoring your stress signals.
You can't reframe grief while denying the loss.
You don't control the weather of your mind.
But you can carry an umbrella (community support).
You can seek shelter (intentional rest).
And sometimes, when you're ready, you can dance within the rain, finding unexpected joy in the vulnerability.
The antidote always begins with acceptance.
What's Your Kindest Next Step?
You're not here to fix your thoughts or mute your mind, but to cultivate a new relationship with them—one of curious observation rather than desperate control.
That's psychological flexibility: Meeting what shows up—then moving toward what matters.
Next time your thoughts spiral before an important meeting or decision, try this instead:
Pause with intention.
If reframing hasn’t helped, what’s a different relationship you want with your thoughts?
Share a moment when you created space between yourself and a persistent thought. What shifted for you in that moment? I'd love to hear your experiences in the comments.
#MindfulLeadership #EmotionalIntelligence #CognitiveDefusion #ExecutiveCoaching #PsychologicalFlexibility