You are standing on the ledge, about to take the leap, and you hesitate.
Isn’t there another way around? What if you planned this out more? Maybe you should turn around.
***
Welcome to my mind.
And, that’s what it was like for me to start a small business.
You feel the fear of jumping into the unknown. And your mind takes over with all sorts of intense thoughts, emotions, and urges to escape, urges to run.
For me, starting my small business was inevitable, the idea born out of graduate school (although, then, it resembled the vaguest idea of wanting to help others.)
There’s been moments when I almost made the leap, but my timing was off. I lost my nerve. And then I would back down while shaking my head. Me? Start a business?
Almost 4 years ago I first presented my business idea to my friend and coworker. I wanted to partner with him. We excitedly gave the business a name, we presented the idea to our boss, and then we stood there, at the ledge, peering over, unsure of how to take the leap.
So we backed down. In hindsight, that was a good decision for both of us.
And then, I reflected: why did I hesitate?
Well, a lot of factors, including money and time. But my largest barrier was internal. That barrier was the entangled mess of a story describing who I am and what I’m capable of.
As a feminist, I’ve had to do a lot of work when it comes to being a woman in this world. I’ve had to confront how I hesitate to take up space as a woman, especially an introverted, soft-spoken woman. For whatever reason, I just didn’t relate myself to the word “entrepreneur”, “business,” “risk-taker,” “wealth,” or (dare I say), “power.” It just didn’t exist in the word bank of my self adjectives.
But why?
Because, for my entire life, I’ve learned directly and indirectly about who “I” am. My dad has countless stories of my shyness, and he loves to retell them. I can think of even more moments when I fumbled over my words, where I performed best in solitude, or when I failed to impress others.
Going back to my story, this is what we can call a conceptualized self: A rigid perspective of who you are based on what you’ve learned from your own experience and from others, thus limiting your ability to walk around in the world as anything else. It’s the combination of direct and indirect learning—your sense of cognition—that fabricates and enmeshes this story into the story of who you are. Everyone experiences this to a certain extent, this sense of conceptualized self. And it’s a totally a normal human experience.
***
As you’re standing there, really ready this time, thoughts like giant billboard flash in front of your face.
But you’re too shy. You don’t have enough time to do this with a full-time job. This isn’t the safe option. You could lose money. Keep your day job. Why take the risk? What if you fail? What if others saw you fail? Do you have enough experience to do this work?
Imposter. Imposter. Imposter.
***
Much like other kinds of unhelpful intrusive thoughts, we can choose to disentangle ourselves from this story. I’m not saying to ignore it or push it away. But we can learn how to unhook from and respond differently to this rigid self-story. And in that way, we change the way in which it functions in our lives. Does the narrative prevent us from doing the things we care about? Or does it remind us about our deepest desires, and with compassion, we navigate through the narrative in a humble and loving way?
As we lean into the story, we realize it’s a smoke screen, not a physical wall. And through that bravery, we have the courage to face fear and take the leap.
And, believe me: there are many more leaps to come after this first one—no matter what you’re choosing to do that’s a little scary. Maybe it’s posting a goal on Instagram. Maybe it’s deciding to spend money on an accountant. Maybe it’s deciding to have a baby. Maybe it’s going back to graduate school and facing student loans. There are many more leaps to go. But the more you practice taking the leaps and moving through (rather than away from) your fears, the more you can really embody your truest self—the self that represents the full-range of everything that is you.
***
And then you sprint, leaping into the air. You feel the fear in every moment and you smile in the face of it.
***
***
Hello! I’m Gabbie and I wonder if you could relate to some part of this story?
I want to also tell you about a fear that I’ve had recently. It was the fear of putting on a 3-week workshop, and the fear of it failing. But I’ve moved through the fear, again and again, willing myself to take the leap and go for it, because it matters. I know that the change it can spark in people’s lives is worth leaping for.
In this workshop I bring folks through a hands-on experience in which they clarify their values, create habits for self-care, and learn a toolbox of unhooking skills to navigate the stress and unhelpful internal thought patterns that prevent them from taking care of themselves. This workshop is called the Groundwork Series and this work uses evidence-based approaches from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA.)
We have an upcoming workshops, starting in early November. Learn more here (https://actinspiredbehaviorcoaching.com/3part-groundwork-series) or you may register for the event on Eventbrite. If you are reading this later than fall 2020, check out my website for more dates on upcoming workshops (https://actinspiredbehaviorcoaching.com).
Wishing you many many moments of grace, self-compassion, and leaping!