How Emotional Control Is Learned
At this point in therapy, the client is coming to the realization that "control doesn't work". In the recovery business this is the same as "taking" the first step (12 step approach) where the client comes to the realization that they are "powerless." This can be a frightening step. As the book points out, the "thought that repeatedly applying a seemingly unworkable strategy proves there is something wrong with the client 'deep down inside.'" and this can be quite troubling. Again, in recovery we would say, that this is like "doing the same thing and expecting a different result."
It is like the guy that thought he had figured out how to fly with a wing like contraption attached to his arms. He got up on his roof and ran straight off the end and flapped his arms like crazy. But, as you would expect, he landed with a thud and broke several bones in his body. After healing he thought, well I don't think I jumped high enough, or flapped my arms fast enough. That's what I have to do, jump higher and flap faster. I don't think I need to tell you what happened.
Getting back to my assignment, at this point it would be easy for the client to blame them self for the predicament that they have gotten themselves into, however, as the book points out, all of the conditioning that got them here is actually very random. The trick now is how do we "come to believe"(step 2) this. The book suggests, "Experiential exercises are particularly useful for demonstrating how easy it is to condition a irrelevant and nonfunctional private response." The "'What Are The Numbers?" exercise is a good intervention at this point. In this exercise the book demonstrates the arbitrariness of reactions, thus hopefully helping the client see that ""I'm bad" is no more meaningful than "one, two, three."" The therapist would than help the client move into examining the apparent success of a control agenda.
Which brings us to, Examine The Apparent Success Of Control
At this point it is suggested that we help the client explore the "cost of using this change agenda in the wrong places." The therapist is helping the client "establish discrimination." Which always makes me think of the serenity prayer,
God grant me the serenity to accept the thing I can not change (or control), the courage (or willingness) to change (or control) the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference ("establish discrimination").
I see this step as helping the client become more aware of when this control (change) agenda works and when it doesn't. The book gives a good dialogue of walking a client through this process. But as the client begins to get a sense of the unworkability of this control agenda, they can feel naked and vulnerable to the world, and desperately looking for someway to cover up. At this point all we want to do is help the client recognize what thoughts and feelings are showing up. This is not an easy task. The therapist needs to continually undermine the clients need to avoid the distressing thoughts and feelings and to help the client become more "willing" to experience these things in the here and now.
All of this leads the client to "the alternative to control: willingness" which is next weeks homework. However, it brings me back to the serenity prayer, and how I see willingness (or courage), "to change the things that I can."
