The compassion connection: Experience sampling insights into romantic attraction

Our study examines the relationship between self-compassion, other-compassion, and romantic attraction in couples, and questions the psychological homogeneity assumption—the idea that psychological responses are uniform across individuals and couples. We analyzed data from 161 participants in 84 couples, with an average age 32 (SD = 12.02), using smartphones for event sampling six times daily over a week to measure self-compassion, other-compassion, and attraction. Through within-person and network analysis, we discovered significant variability in how self and other-compassion influence attraction, identifying two distinct couple types: “synergistic,” where compassion significantly affects attraction, and “independent,” where it does not. Further analysis revealed that, when other-compassion is accounted for, males with high self-compassion were less attracted to their female partners. The significant diversity in how individuals and couples experience compassion and attraction challenges the assumption that conclusions drawn from group averages can be universally applied to individual couples. Clinically this means that efforts to enhance compassion in couples therapy should be tailored to the couple's unique dynamics. Indeed, for some men, emphasizing self-compassion without considering other-compassion could even be detrimental to the relationship. Our findings highlight the need for nuanced case formulation and personalized treatment planning in couples therapy, underscoring the complexity of relationship dynamics and the importance of rejecting “one size fits all” assumptions.