We use to think that bullying was the result of low self-esteem. Research is now showing the opposite is true. Bullies actually have high self-esteem. Bullying behavior is a way for them to take the attention off of their own sense of shame and put it onto someone else. And bullies get real good at finding this weakness in others so when they are able to do this successfully, their self-esteem is elevated. They feel better about themselves when they put others down, so they keep doing it.
Self-esteem is not always a good thing. Culturally, we are obsessed with having high self-esteem. We find ways to trick ourselves into having a positively skewed perspective about ourselves and it’s just not a true depiction. But we do all we can to believe it to be true to the point that it becomes, well, delusional. Research indicates that 90% of drivers think they are more skilled than others on the road, even if they have recently caused an accident! (Neff, In Press)
Many people with high self-esteem have developed a view of themselves that is in comparison with others who they see as less valuable. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, Ph.D., Associate Professor of Human Development at The University of Texas at Austin, “The need to feel okay about oneself means that the pursuit of high self-esteem may involve puffing the self up while putting others down.” They also dismiss negative feedback, minimize their failures, and take less responsibility for their negative actions. Negative self-esteem is not good either, but in battling this identified evil, it is evident that the pendulum has swung to cartoon-like heights of narcissism.
Of course, not all people with high self-esteem are narcissistic or delusional and there are well-established benefits to having high rather than low self-esteem: less depression, more optimism, etc. But why does there have to be any judgment at all about ones self in order to obtain these benefits? Self-esteem, high or low, is a perception after all, not a reality.
Mindfulness teaches us to look at ourselves the way we are. Not to inflate or decrease our value, but to allow ourselves to be exactly who we are. Non-judgment and compassion are at the heart of Zen teaching. Instead of learning how to view ourselves in a positive light, it might be more beneficial to see ourselves the way we really are, without judgment and with a great deal of compassion.
Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. Instead of allowing your ego to swell because of those strengths or to diminish into self loathing because of your weaknesses, just recognize that you are a valuable, albeit a mixed bag of a human being. To be harsh and critical of your failure is just as much of a lie as calling your failure a success. We have this perception that failure is synonymous with self-pity and demoralization. Why can’t it just be seen as part of the ebb and flow of normal life?
Instead of comparing your worth to others, which is isolating and divisive, embrace this commonly shared human condition, which has the added benefit of fostering empathy and compassion for others as well. This is important so that when we do experience suffering, we do not feel disconnected from others on top of it all. If you’ve ever asked, “Why me?” You know exactly what feeling disconnected is like. The truth is, it’s not just you. We all suffer. We all lose, sometimes.
[Check back later for more ways to develop Self-Compassion]